Hi, ya’ll! So I am just going to skip the part where I apologize/make excuses for why I haven’t written in half a year. Anyone who has followed this little “blog” knows that’s just how it works around here. Quality over quantity?
A couple weeks ago I asked the nice folks over at twitter to email me questions for a Q&A blog. Last time I did that I received so many random, different questions. This time? Well, many of you replied, you just all have the same two questions: Babies and weight loss. You have made it very clear what you’re interested in reading about. This has been duly noted.
I have convinced my lovely wife to write a separate blog regarding the health/weight loss stuff, so I guess that leaves the baby stuff for me….
Last time I wrote it wasn’t pretty, I was struggling with some pretty rough stuff. I was definitely in a dark place. I have come a long way since then. The sadness still exists but visits much less frequently. The anger is pretty much gone, nothing a little therapy couldn’t cure. But the best part is I can see babies and pregnant women and not run and hide. I’m not saying it doesn’t sting my heart a little, but it is in a much healthier and manageable way. I may still be a little broken but the hate is gone, my heart is healing and I feel good.
So what now? You are not the only ones asking. I also ask myself that same question everyday. And really, I don’t know. There are so many possibilities. Try again? Adopt? Give up? They are all options at this point and sometimes I wish someone could just make the decision for me. If only it were that easy.
Trying again. Maybe, but the thought terrifies me. There is definitely a part of me that wants to, to prove to myself that I can. To show my body who is boss. But why? It seems so silly when I try to rationalize. I have been through two very traumatic and horrible experiences, who in their right mind would go for a third? Me? Maybe.
Adoption. I have always been overwhelmed by the thought of adoption. The whole process seems so intimidating. Where do we begin? How much does it cost? What if no one chooses us? Last year I made Internet friends with a woman via twitter. She started blogging about starting their adoption process right around when we started our baby journey. She shared the ups, the downs, the worries, the frustrations and eventually the joys. About 5 months ago she shared with the world that they were taking their precious little girl home. My heart exploded. I cried tears of joy for this woman and her family. She got her happy ending and it opened up a world of possibilities for me. I watched as this family opened their hearts and their baby found them. It really made me realize that this is an option. Sure it’s scary, but it is possible.
Giving up. There have only been a few days since everything happened that this felt like an option. Sure, the lure of spending the rest of my life with just my beautiful wife seeing the world, shopping, and doing as we please sounds nice…but really, we want a family. And I don’t think all the vacations and overflowing closets will ever change that.
When I started writing this post I didn’t have a clue which direction felt right. But as I wrote and really forced myself to think about our choices, it has become pretty clear and I guess you are the first to know…I have just signed us up for an information class on adoption.
The journey continues.