Crossroads

Hi, ya’ll! So I am just going to skip the part where I apologize/make excuses for why I haven’t written in half a year. Anyone who has followed this little “blog” knows that’s just how it works around here. Quality over quantity? :)

A couple weeks ago I asked the nice folks over at twitter to email me questions for a Q&A blog.  Last time I did that I received so many random, different questions. This time? Well, many of you replied, you just all have the same two questions:  Babies and weight loss. You have made it very clear what you’re interested in reading about. This has been duly noted. :)

I have convinced my lovely wife to write a separate blog regarding the health/weight loss stuff, so I guess that leaves the baby stuff for me….

Last time I wrote it wasn’t pretty, I was struggling with some pretty rough stuff. I was definitely in a dark place.  I have come a long way since then. The sadness still exists but visits much less frequently. The anger is pretty much gone, nothing a little therapy couldn’t cure. But the best part is I can see babies and pregnant women and not run and hide. I’m not saying it doesn’t sting my heart a little, but it is in a much healthier and manageable way.  I may still be a little broken but the hate is gone, my heart is healing and I feel good.

So what now? You are not the only ones asking.   I also ask myself that same question everyday. And really, I don’t know. There are so many possibilities. Try again? Adopt? Give up? They are all options at this point and sometimes I wish someone could just make the decision for me. If only it were that easy.

Trying again. Maybe, but the thought terrifies me. There is definitely a part of me that wants to, to prove to myself that I can. To show my body who is boss.  But why? It seems so silly when I try to rationalize. I have been through two very traumatic and horrible experiences, who in their right mind would go for a third? Me? Maybe.

Adoption. I have always been overwhelmed by the thought of adoption. The whole process seems so intimidating. Where do we begin? How much does it cost? What if no one chooses us? Last year I made Internet friends with a woman via twitter. She started blogging about starting their adoption process right around when we started our baby journey. She shared the ups, the downs, the worries, the frustrations and eventually the joys. About 5 months ago she shared with the world that they were taking their precious little girl home. My heart exploded. I cried tears of joy for this woman and her family. She got her happy ending and it opened up a world of possibilities for me. I watched as this family opened their hearts and their baby found them. It really made me realize that this is an option. Sure it’s scary, but it is possible.

Giving up. There have only been a few days since everything happened that this felt like an option. Sure, the lure of spending the rest of my life with just my beautiful wife seeing the world, shopping, and doing as we please sounds nice…but really, we want a family. And I don’t think all the vacations and overflowing closets will ever change that.

When I started writing this post I didn’t have a clue which direction felt right. But as I wrote and really forced myself to think about our choices, it has become pretty clear and I guess you are the first to know…I have just signed us up for an information class on adoption.

The journey continues.

Honestly…

I have been numb for weeks, unable to mentally comprehend that it has happened again. Second trimester losses are rare, yet I have experienced them twice and for two completely unrelated reasons. This cannot be my life. This couldn’t have happened. Is this even real?  I am empty and broken and still, somewhat,  in disbelief.
Losing Charlie was the most painful experience I had ever been through. I told myself I could never ever feel that again. I promised myself I wouldn’t have to. But here I am. Again.  My heart In even more pieces, only this time we lost twins.
When we found out it was twins we were nervous, of course, but also so excited. Double the blessing. I secretly thought it was the universe correcting its mistake of taking Charlie. I already had names for them, had picked out twin onesies and most importantly had heard the heartbeat of two babies.
The complications with this pregnancy started early and I was put on bedrest in my tenth week. I knew it would be a long 9 months, but this was what it was going to take and I would do anything.
It wasnt enough.
Will it ever be enough?
I have three precious babies in heaven and I am left here with an empty nursery.
As we go through this somewhat publicly, I have put pressure on myself to be strong, to be positive, to make this look easy. But it’s not easy. It’s fucking hard. I want to be honest for my own sanity and hopefully, healing.
This is so much more complicated than just sadness.
As the shock wears off and the sadness becomes my normal, the anger sets in. I have an ugliness is my heart.  I am hardened. For the first time, I truly feel hate. Hate for the universe, hate for all of the happy people who have it so easy and especially, hate for my body.
The sadness I understand, it makes sense, but this anger is much harder. It makes me feel ashamed, but it is real.
As everyone says, time heals all wounds…I know I will recover, but I worry i am forever changed.

A long journey…

This is hard to write, but unfortunately, not unfamiliar.  This journey has been a long one that began over two years ago – this journey to start a family.  And it is with a heavy heart that I let you all know – another chapter ends sadly.

This past weekend, after 4 ½ months, we lost our baby.  Since the beginning of our pregnancy, Cori had a blood clot that caused bleeding throughout her first trimester.  We didn’t know why it was there, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do, so we just monitored it, and waited.

We knew that her cervix looked great.  The cerclage was a success, and we were confident, but the blood clot had weakened the amniotic membrane, and Cori’s water broke prematurely.  At that point, there was nothing to be done.

There were moments in the past year where we told ourselves that we could never survive the loss of another child.  We were wrong.  Losing Charlie had changed us, and the result of that change was this:  we survived and would find a way to move on again.

We have said before that we are in this for the long haul.  That we will have a family no matter the cost – whatever it takes.  Again, we are faced with a gauntlet of emotions, but we stand firm that this journey – despite great personal loss – will go on.

One day, you will get an update with pictures of our baby.  One day, we will celebrate the joy of a journey hard traveled.  And that one day, I know that this will all be worth it.

Until then, your love and prayers are always welcome as we continue down the road.  But know in your hearts that we will find a way onward, together.

Here we go!

It’s been a while…

This time last year, we were in a different place.  The news we delivered was heavy, and difficult, but you helped us through:  sharing our pain, sharing your stories, but mostly, with overwhelming heaps of positive and encouraging wishes and thoughts for our family.

Today, almost a year later, we have some very different news to share.  It is my absolute pleasure to announce that my gorgeous wife, Cori, is pregnant!!!!!!!

I am sure you have questions, so here are the stats:

-       She is – 4 months pregnant

-       She is – on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy

-       She is –scheduled for her cerclage today

-       We are – ecstatic!!!!!!!

We don’t know the sex yet, but we know that there is a healthy baby kicking around in there, and she (or he) is roughly the size of an avocado.

It’s been so hard not to shout this from the rooftops, but given our difficulties in the past, we wanted to wait.  Well, the wait is over.  We are pregnant!!!!!

We answered a few questions for our friend Trish over at Afterellen.com you can find them here:

http://www.afterellen.com/content/2013/01/its-boccumini-baby-cori-and-kacy-are-pregnant

4 month belly!

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Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Hey Y’all!

I just want to say thank you so much for all of your logo submissions. I am completely blown away by how many designs I received and how incredibly talented you all are! I had no idea I would get so many amazing designs! Thank you so much for taking the time to create them. I <3 you guys so much!

There were so many that I truly loved , but there was one that Kacy and I agree was a perfect fit for me and who I am. It was like she pulled it out of my brain :)

Sooooooo, I would like to say congratulations to Ruth (@outofWater_blog on Twitter) for her winning design!!! I love it so much!

I have since learned that when Ruth is not creating logos for strangers on the internet :) she writes an incredible blog called Fish Out of Water, you can find it at http://onethirstyfish.blogspot.com/ You should all check it out. She is a brilliant, thought provoking writer and I am obsessed with her blog and I promise you will be too.

I am knitting away right now making lots of hats and headbands to put up on Etsy, so look out for those soon. Until then, check out my Etsy shop for Ruth’s winning design!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/CocoKnitsXO

xoxo
Cori

Contest Info!

If you follow me on Twitter then you know I want to hold a contest for a hat giveaway. I asked for suggestions for contest ideas and got some great (and interesting) responses…from best butts to worst haircuts…but my favorite idea was a logo design contest for my etsy shop!

Soooo, if you are interested in winning a hat (or scarf, or headband or whatever you want :) ) made with my own two hands, send me your designs! It doesn’t have to be professional, you can create it with MS paint for all I care…as long as it’s cute :)

Contest Info:

-Designs must be a .jpg, .gif or .png that is 760px by 100px and no larger than 2MB.

-The shop name is CocoKnitsXO and I will sell mostly knit hats and knit headbands (possibly more stuff in the future)

-Email designs to CocoKnits.xo@gmail.com by my birthday, October 15. :)   Monday, August 27th.

-There is no limit to how many designs you can submit so design away!

PS- My favorite color is purple :)

I hope I am not forgetting anything….

Good luck!!!
CocoKnitsXO

Hats!

I started knitting to help take my mind off of everything that was going on and it has turned into something that I love doing. so much so that I am running out of friends to knit for! So i decided to make a few and put them on Etsy and finally, the shop is ready! I made 11 hats of the same style in different colors. If anyone buys them i will be making more :)

Here is the shop if anyone wants to check it out :)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/CocoKnitsXO

xoxo
Cori

Fat

This year has kicked my ass. How did I get through it? The love and support from my wife and family. But also…food.

I tend to eat my feelings and this year I had A LOT of feelings.

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant. Much more than was reasonably healthy, 25 pounds in 5 months to be exact. I was hungry and tired all of the time, so I would eat and sleep and not much else.

Then, when we lost Charlie, I was depressed and found comfort in food and my bed. I didn’t get up. I didn’t go out. I just laid in bed and ate away the heartache.

I saw myself getting bigger, I watched as my clothes got tighter, but I didn’t care. I was broken on the inside and figured the outside should match.

We decided to continue with the show and allowed the cameras back in. I had convinced myself that since all of the women on the show were beautiful and skinny someone needed to represent for the woman of the world who aren’t. Why not me? This gave me even more permission to drown my sorrows in Cheetos and chocolate cake and an excuse to continue with these terrible habits that had taken over my life. So that’s what I did. I embraced the chub and ate and ate and ate. I avoided mirrors, bought frumpy clothes and just stopped caring. Then, I saw myself on TV and I read peoples comments about my weight on the internet. That was not fun. Being called fat hurts, feeling ugly is even worse. I don’t want to be the chubby girl. I don’t want to be miserable. So, I decided it was time to get my shit together.

The root of my problem is food. I cannot be trusted to make good food decisions on my own so I researched my options and found Jenny Craig. A program that tells me exactly what and when to eat that requires no food decisions on my part? Perfect! So I went in and signed up. I am still new to the program but have already lost 4 pounds. It feels great. I am expected to be at my goal weight by December 31st and Kacy promised me a serious shopping spree when I get there. What more motivation does a girl need? A new body and a new wardrobe? I’m in!

I know it is not going to be easy but I am so ready to take control of my life and feel good about myself again!

If any of you are also struggling what are you doing to regain control of your weight? Has anyone tried Jenny Craig? Did it work? And words of wisdom?

***EDIT – I did Jenny Craig for a couple months and DO NOT recommend it. It’s not real food. Sorry, folks, there is no miracle solution. Just good ol’ fashioned exercise and healthy eating!

Xoxo
Cori

Nurses

In last week’s episode Kacy and I finally left the house and the first place we wanted to go was to visit the nurses that took care of me while I was in the hospital. A quick visit and some flowers is nowhere near the thank you that these women deserve, but I suppose it’s a start.

Everything that we went through in those days was terrible, but these women held my hand through all of it. They gave me hope, they comforted me and eventually they cried with me. Most people go to work every day thinking about their tasks, and may not consider how their day effects others.  With these women, they not only did their jobs (and did it well), their warmth and support, the fact that they didn’t blink an eye that we are both women, every ounce of care they gave to us, went beyond any expectation.  They made all of the difference in the worst imaginable situation, and after 7 months, we are still in awe of them.

I will never forget those women and the kindness they showed us. I cannot wait to see them again many more times over the years as I wouldn’t want anyone else delivering our babies.

Thank you so much to all nurses of the world, but especially those at UCLA medical center. Your job is not an easy one, but the difference you make for people is incredible.

XOXO
Cori

Healing

“There is no footprint so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world” – Author Unknown

Someone left this quote for me in the comment section of one of our blogs a few weeks ago, it has stuck with me ever since. I have read so many beautiful poems and quotes about loss since we lost Charlie, but I am truly able to find comfort in this one.

Nothing can take away the pain of losing our sweet little girl. Every day is a struggle to keep my head above water, to not fall to pieces. The incredible pain of my broken heart is so unbearable sometimes, that I cannot breathe. But as I think about this quote and realize how true it is for our little angel, I am able to find peace.

xo-C