Oooh look at me, posting again! Maybe I will actually keep this blogging thing up this time around! Ok, so this post is sort of cheating because it is mostly written by Kacy, but a post is a post, right? And I promise it’s for good reason.
I have received so many emails from you asking my advice for lesbians still in the closet. I should never give out advice, ever, especially on a topic so important as this. So I, of course, ask my very wise and insightful wife Kacy to help. The following is her message to all of you currently living this struggle.
Fear
As some of you know, I just shared my coming out story with the world. Despite the fact that I put myself out there on television, sharing your personal journey – especially one so clearly based on sexuality – is frightening. But sharing your story isn’t half as frightening as living it. So that’s what this blog is dedicated to: living with fear.
My journey was very different from Cori’s. Yet, the Universe led us to the same bar, in the same city, on the same night, and that was that. I cannot imagine a world without her in my life, and if I didn’t have the courage to come out, or the hope to believe that I could live in a world where my soul mate could be a woman – that that was even possible – I wouldn’t be where I am today
There are a lot of you out there who are currently living in the closet because of fear. There is nothing wrong with fear. Sometimes it’s healthy. We teach kids to have a healthy fear of lots of things to keep them safe – like fear of open flames, most reptiles, and unwrapped candy. As adults, we are introduced to greater fears that have much less dire – but much more social and psychological – consequences. As adults, we fear judgment, isolation, exclusion, and hatred. Compared to all of these things, an open flame looks comforting.
Fear is a normal part of growing up. But it becomes completely unhealthy when fear is the only motivation preventing growth or becoming a genuine, honest, and psychologically free person. Fear locks you into safety mode – similar to a computer that has crashed: you can function, but you don’t use all of your many applications or operate at your capacity. Fear wears you out and slows you down.
No one ever really fears something they’ve done already. It’s proactive – a fear of action or thought of action, but rarely after the fact. The fear of what you can do, or could do, or think about doing is so powerful, it creates inertia. Inertia lacks agency, because it requires the force of something greater to provoke movement.
If you are closeted, think of all of the things you haven’t done yet that you fear. Are these things good for you? Does the thought of doing them make you feel happy? If so, what are the holdbacks? Can they be overcome? What’s the worst thing that can happen if you acted on those wants and overcame the fear? And are those things that are compromised worth losing?
Take inventory of your life and make a list of things you have because of your fear and then make a list of what you are missing or prevented from having because of that fear. Compare the list. Are the things in the fear column things you really want, or are the things that really matter in life – love, happiness, honesty, sincerity – in the column of things you can’t have because of fear? Sit with those distinctions and feel each one, registering the emotions of losing something in the have column, or gaining something in the fear column. Which column resonates more?
Regardless of whether you choose to come out or not, take inventory of your life so that you have some agency and control over the situation. Do it yearly or monthly; make it known to yourself that you are choosing to co-exist with fear, because that is what you can handle at that point in your life. Do this without judging yourself: except your process and breathe.
These are my suggestions, which you can take or leave. We are all a series of negotiations with our own values and the social and parental values we were raised with. Own them, control them on your own terms, and you will see that the anxiety of letting fear control you subside, whatever you decide.
Until then, love yourself above anyone else and remember that you are here for a reason. Your uniqueness and specific perspective has a lasting effect on the world around you. Make your mark, and make it count.
For those of you who haven’t read it yet, here is the link to my coming out story. I hope some of you can relate, or at the very least, find comfort in knowing that you are not alone.
http://itsconceivablenow.com/2012/07/02/kacy-from-the-real-l-word-coming-out-story/
Love always,
Cori and Kacy
